Old wounds

Learning to recognise them earlier

I attended an excellent photo review workshop on Saturday, and it was incredible to be in a room with so much talent. There were emerging artists, photographers who’ve been shooting for 40 years, and even multi-award-winning photographers. It was honestly confronting to display my work in front of them, but the feedback I received was incredibly valuable. For the most part, it was positive. I know I can shoot, and I know how to capture a great frame. The questions posed to me were about how I could stand out more and find more of myself in my work—loosening the reins a bit. I agree. The artists I admire all have one thing in common: they’re individual, which has led me down a rabbit hole of figuring out what I’m trying to say and why in my images.

This experience has been incredibly beneficial, and in the long run, I know it will help me grow as an artist and creative. However, it also brought up some things I hope many people can relate to. I found myself delving deep within, which, while ultimately beneficial, is something I struggled with at the time. Truth be told, I found myself slipping into old habitual cycles, where I started to feel like my work—or me—isn’t good enough. I tell myself this narrative and find evidence to back it up. Then, I start applying that to other parts of my life to reinforce the belief, whether it’s true or not.

Now, this isn’t a sad story. I know how fortunate I am, and I’m well aware of how blessed my life. I’m healthy, I have a roof over my head, I’m loved by family and friends, and I have a wonderful, beautiful partner. I’m completely aware of all this and have spent a lot of time travelling, deepening my understanding of it and the world. What I’m also aware of is that when things get tough in one area, they can often affect other areas. I’m on a journey to figure this out for myself and how I can recognise this earlier.

I don’t believe the “I’m not a good creative” line, but feedback (that I agree with) tends to open up old doors that make me question other elements of my life. I understand the gift it is to receive this feedback from such talented artists, and I’ve sat with it long enough to even work out some new ideas to try and implement. So, it’s already a win.

I’m writing this today, ultimately, for me to look back on. After reading books on habits and their psychology, I understand that you don’t really break habit loops —you shorten them. I want to shorten mine to the point where I can understand, access, articulate, and take action. Unlike this weekend, where it went: receive great feedback – question myself as a creative – question my work and whether it’s good enough – if it is, then why am I not getting booked for shoots? Why is no one buying prints from me? Why am I not working and earning more instead of pursuing this life.

That was where I was, but as I write this now, I’ve gone through all that and realised how silly I was being. Even as I write that, I feel the need to add that I’ve only been advertising shooting for four weeks. I’m not selling prints, but I’m also not actively trying to at the moment. I’m not working much outside of photography because I’ve been focused on shooting and letting it become the career it once was, allowing it to support my artistic pursuit. I write this not because I’m unaware of how silly it sounds, but knowing full well that I’m not the only one who, when things happen, tends to fall into old habits rather than allowing themselves to be who they’ve become, not who they once were.

This is for me, for you, and for anyone you know who struggles, even for a moment when something happens. Because, for some reason, we still allow ourselves to be the person who we were years ago, and we fall into the same narrative we always did or were told. I’ve spent years working, learning, and training to better understand myself and why I do the things I do. This post is to remind that no matter how far we’ve come, we must always be aware that there’s more to learn— In order to become someone you want to be you must understand who you were, are and why.

So, for anyone who finds themselves in a habitual cycle and is wondering how to break free from it, let me be the one to tell you: you probably can’t entirely. However, you can learn to recognise it earlier and earlier, so you can become who you want to be. So as I pursue becoming a full-time artist, I hope you’ll join me on this journey—from someone who not long ago didn’t believe they could achieve much.
To someone who now knows they can achieve anything they put their mind to.